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[15 Aug 2005|03:45pm] |
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uotue
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[26 Jul 2005|02:09pm] |
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I would give up everything I own just to spend one day with him like we used to.
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[12 Jul 2005|10:49pm] |
Smoo's over right now. :)
I cut her hair tonight. Currently she's styling my hair, making me look like a fag purposely.
I'm nervous to see how faggy I look.
Anywho. I've been going through a huge synthpop obsession lately! If anyone has good synthpop bands, tell me.
India just called.
Now she's on the phone.
And I'm listening to Dane Cook. It's not funny the 40th time, honestly.
If you need Synthpop bands, tell me. I'll be willing to suggest some.
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| This isn't a fucking poem. |
[10 Jul 2005|09:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
I don't want my life to be like a TV set
I hate pretending everything's right
When its nothing but wrong.
I wish I could successfully make
my feelings into a song
One you'd hear and it'd make
you cry. You'd pretend to feel
my pain but I still dont think
youd understand. Theres something
wrong and I dont even know what.
Its these times when Im alone
I get so sad. When Im with friends
I hide behind a grin. But when Im
alone I let it all out. I think of
things to keep my busy. But every
time I do I slip back into those
memories played like a movie. Or
like a dream where you can feel
the pain. The memory of that
person who put me in ecstacy
That perfect smile that was
real. The laughs that were not
forced. He said I was too
attached and paranoid. But if
you found something perfect
would you ever let go even for
a moment? I tried not too. Now
that's all I'm trying to do.
Is forget him. Maybe if I take
a needle and push it through one
part of my brain, I'll forget
him completely. But I know that's
impossible. I have to suffer
through this as everyone else
does. But I never thought I'd be
the one who would. I never fully
understood other people's pain until
I went through it myself. I wish
he knew. Maybe if I had a second
chance I'd stop acting how he hated.
If he stayed his perfect way I'd
voluntary change myself to please
him. My ear will be a suggestion
box that he can whisper into. I
shouldn't even be dwelling on this.
I should give up. He was too good
sometimes, and sometimes not good
enough. I just want someone to make
me feel the way he did.
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[09 Jul 2005|08:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Bright Eyes. |
] |
Broken-Hearted Loser
Lately I've been going through a lot of changes and realizing that nothing makes sense. I've been in a huge over-analyzing mood. I'm fine when I'm with friends but when I'm alone I go into this odd depression again. I don't even know what I'm sad about. No, it's not about a boy. It's not some stupid thing for attention. It's probably just a step of me growing up and realizing who I really am. And damnit, I really wish I knew.
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[22 Jun 2005|04:43pm] |
| [ |
music |
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"Let's Not Shit Ourselves" - Bright Eyes |
] |
Tomorrow is graduation. I think it's pointless to have a graduation ceremony for 8th grade, but still. Most people at this time are feeling some huge feeling of sadness, knowing we're all going to different high schools. But me? The reason I chose Sturgis is to get away from my class. Right now, the sad feeling that should be in my heart right now is replaced by annoyance. I felt like slapping at least 10 people today; is that wrong?
And someone tell me: What is the point of having two more days of school after graduation? We're done with 8th grade after tomorrow night. I guess school on Monday is just a few hours where people will go to hug and visit and cry their eyes out. The only thought lingering in my mind that day will be my plans for summer.
And Summer! Oh, Summer! How I can't wait. Persuasive rays of warm yellow light pouring over everyone.
Aside from all of that. I'm just worried. There's this one thing I can't tell one of my closest friends. I want to. But I can't. I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him it, and I'll regret it if I don't. But it's hard. I've been wanting to tell him for almost a year now.
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| GROUNDED. |
[01 May 2005|06:50pm] |
Bad report card.
Grounded until the rest of my life.
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| Saturday. |
[09 Apr 2005|06:08pm] |
Alright, so I've ditched you for long enough.
Updating.
I made it into Sturgis. I shadowed on Friday. And I found out my good friend Andrea got in as well.
But that sums it up.
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| Best Day of My Life |
[30 Mar 2005|03:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Dam Dariram (KCP Mix)" |
] |
Since yesterday I was depressed to the point I was sick, this morning I decided I had to turn things around. I stood at my locker this morning saying "I have to keep positive. Alright, today will be the best day of my life", and thus it began! The whole day, just knowing it was the best day of my life made the day good. I got called a druggie by my school nurse, and even got my period. It was a spectacular day. The Best Day of my Life.
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[29 Mar 2005|04:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
I have a girl crush on Sheralynn.
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| Say we'll always be like this. |
[28 Mar 2005|03:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Gone" - The Cure |
] |
Me and Anthony got into a minor fight the other day. But I'd rather not discuss what about. I'll just have you know that it's resolved and we're back to normal again.
Today in school, this girl told me about her "dream". In her dream, me and her were having sex. Oh lord.. THEN she asked me if I wanted to have a "sleepover" on Friday. I wish I could use the whole "my boyfriend doesn't like when I.." but just my luck, he doesn't even fucking care.
I used this skin cream, and there's a welt on my hand. Holy shit, I think I'm having an allergic reaction! There's a white ring around the welt, too. It's itchy. SHIT. I better go tell my mom.
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| Happy Easter, |
[27 Mar 2005|07:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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relaxed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn" - Hellogoodbye |
] |
Although I can safely say I don't even believe in God, my mom still carried on the Easter tradition. She gave me candy, and of course she let me get a CD a few days ago. I had Adam over and we went for a walk (hey guys, I went outside!). Then we played DDR, and ate an early dinner. Over his house later, we weren't hungry for his family's dinner, his mom didn't like that. :P
I think my boobs are getting bigger. But I wont make that subject into a paragraph, for I feel you all don't need the details.
I once told someone I was half-asian and they believed me.
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| Deja Vu.. |
[26 Mar 2005|09:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Friday I'm in Love" - The Cure |
] |
I went to the movies with Kerry and Taylor. I seem to actually be able to tolerate the movies now. But people are so immature, always throwing stuff. I really like Kerry and Taylor though, I want to have them sleep over next Friday. My mom was like "Aren't you going to get a bad reputation for hanging out with 7th graders?" and I said "Mom I really don't care, I already have a bad rep for hanging out with 19 year olds". She gave me a weird luck, sighed, and walked away.
I saw Greta today. It kind of freaked me out. I hadn't seen her in such a long time. It was scary seeing her, almost. She is sort of a ghost of my past. My first kiss, she disappeared just as fast as it did. She talked the same, looked the same, smiled the same. She seemed happy, but I secretly wanted to throw up. The girl who took my innocence away from me. The one who every thought I was going out with. The one who shaped me into the bisexual I am today. I always knew I was bi, but she was the one who enforced ot upon me. The ghost has returned to haunt me.
Tomorrow's Easter. Adam is going to come over and join us for dinner and to hang out. When I asked my mom, she got the impression that "Adam's my boyfriend and I want him to have a holiday dinner with us". Uhhh, no. He's just my friend, and we just want to hang out. Is there anything wrong with that? Can't I have friends who are boys?
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| Boys don't cry. |
[23 Mar 2005|04:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Love Song" - The Cure |
] |
I'm so fucking full of plans.
Mall on thursday, to buy a CD (suggest something) courtesy of my Dad and Easter. Haha.
Probably Meri's on Friday night to Saturday afternoon.
Movies on Saturday night with a few rad 7th graders.
And sunday will be my chill-axin' day.
Yup.
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| The only broken-hearted loser you'll ever need. |
[20 Mar 2005|05:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Coin-Operated Boy" - Dresden Dolls |
] |
Today, Adam Laurel + Jared came over. We played DDR. I put cheese sauce in the microwave, and it exploded. Haha. Sarah called me, and I heard a POP and I looked in the microwave and it died. So I had to hang up with her and attempt to clean it up.
I swear to god, I'm going to cry if I don't get into Sturgis.
Tonight Anthony is supposed to be coming over. Although it might turn out to be another one of those "Bad news, I'm terribly sorry but I can't come over" type of ordeals.
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| Before you die you see the.. |
[18 Mar 2005|09:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Take On Me" - A-Ha |
] |
Went to the movies tonight with Adam and Jared. We saw the Ring 2. I thought it was better than the first, but more predictable. During the movie, I would have delayed screams, it was fun. My seventh grade "fan club" sat next to us. Rofl. At one part I screamed "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!!". After the movie, a girl went up to me and was like "Were you the one who screamed 'we're all gonna die'? That was SOOOO funny". Haha.
We froze our asses of outside. Nikki kissed Kerry, I was fucking surprised. So I said "I want some of that" so Nikki kissed me. And then Kerry was like "Sure what about me?" so I pecked her on the lips too. EMBRACING THE INNER DYKE, Y'ALL.
Tomorrow me and Adam are hanging out, I think I'm dying his hair. Someone told me I should be a hair stylist when I'm older, I merely laughed. Sure, I can cut hair. I can dye hair. But doing it for a job is a different thing. Ew.
Before you die, you see the COCK.
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| Mokushi Ashita, we can only hope. |
[17 Mar 2005|05:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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relaxed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Tsumi to Batsu" - Shiina Ringo |
] |
My parents are going out somewhere tonight which will give me alone time to learn the Richie dance. And if you don't know what the Richie dance is, AIM me. The Richie dance owns the world. Seriously.
I'm extremely hungry, but I feel sick at the same time. I've had a migraine all day. Why can't my body ever just feel fine!?
Today is Trevor's birthday.
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